Do I hate myself?
Do I love myself?
Today, I stumbled upon one of my old rituals. While I was still assistant manager, and working evenings and weekends, I would be the one responsible for making sure the garbage got taken out, and usually that meant taking it myself. I didn’t mind this, though, because it meant a walk through a quiet mall at either the beginning or end of my day, something I still enjoy to clear my head.
But right before I got to the garbage compacter, I walked through a hallway lined on both sides with large mirrors. Yup. So nearly every day, I would watch myself walk past the mirrors. Checking one side, and then the other. I looked, of course, to see if I had imposed on more space than the day before. I had this 30 second walk right before the compactor, and then again right after.
You can imagine what this did to me.
But where am I going with this?
Well Saturday evening, I stayed at work a bit late, and took the garbage out for the first time in months. I was forcibly reminded of this past procedure. But something interesting happened. The usual “I am fat” and “I hate myself” and “I hate my life” thoughts popped up. But they were occasionally punctuated with one simple irritation. Automatically, without me provoking it, another notion popped up: I told myself that I wasn't supposed to think that way any more. It was weak, and it was brief, but it was there. I'm starting to repeat the messages I know are right but until now had largely ignored.
What does this mean? Well, maybe it means that I'm starting to get sick of this. Just maybe. I’m afraid to admit that I don’t know. And I’m not good with uncertainty, it makes me anxious and motivated for change. So change we may see.
But for now, I will leave you with the two questions.
Do I hate myself? Or Do I love myself?