Saturday, August 27, 2011
things aren't always what they seem
Not too too long ago I received an email from someone that spoke of their present desperation and their need for immediate attention ("attention" referring to very quick action on my part).
It was an interesting email to receive, for a couple of reasons, but mainly due to the fact that I was on a true break - a couple of states away - when I received it (and its two followup emails). I had taken the break due to a meltdown I had had one night. I won't go into details on here, because it's not appropriate and I don't feel comfortable doing so, but let's just say it wasn't a very good moment in my life.
In this deep dark moment did I email anyone? Did I call anyone? Did I scream?
The fact that I didn't do these things (after receiving that email), added to the feeling of guilt about taking a break... did I feel I needed a break? Yes... but did I really need one since I wasn't desperate? At least not as portrayed in that email? Maybe not... It also made me question my need for any kind of help I might seek.. such as Laura or the upcoming start of DBT. It also dredged up the feeling of whether or not I'm really sick. (which feeds back into what I wrote about the word "typical")
I mentioned this to Laura when I saw her on Thursday (first appointment back) and she told me something that sort of stayed with me... that being silent can be a form of desperation as well. That not being able to communicate when you're in complete need for fear of burdening others and consequently taking (or thinking of taking) truly harmful actions is a form of complete desperation.
Words such as desperation can take so many more forms than what we may initially decide to give them in our minds. The power that choice can hold is large. For instance: the fact that I viewed desperation as the way it appeared in that email I received made me question my current decision to be in therapy.
I find this is also often the case with the word "needy" and its tendency to equate "I have needs" with the feeling that one is needy. As Dani told me last night... having needs doesn't mean you're needy.
It actually just means you're human. You're living.
Sometimes things aren't what they seem. Sometimes an outsider's perspective is key... which means the silence surrounding the feelings or thoughts will have to be broken.
When silence is broken there's definite room for growth.
written with love by K at 7:54 AM