I'm having a fantastic weekend. The weather is absolutely beautiful, I had a great day with my boyfriend at the local street performer’s festival on Saturday, and had a good visit with my sister Sunday. Best of all......I have THREE DAYS IN A ROW OFF WORK.
This hasn’t happened in a long time.
Needless to say, I am feeling nice and relaxed and ready to deal with the stress of a shortened work week. But something has stuck out in the back of my mind. Something feels wrong about feeling good. Logically, I know that I shouldn’t feel bad about life being good. I know that I should be happy that I’m able to recognise that I’m having a good weekend and am in a good mood. But I can’t escape the feeling of guilt that has been drudged up with this sunny long weekend. This is perhaps one of the residual leftovers from the long process of my recovery.
I’ve heard of this before. I’ve heard my friends talk about this feeling before; I’ve seen how frustrating it can be when they seemingly refuse to recognise that things are getting better. But I don’t think I’ve ever been on this side before.
Keeping in theme with last week, I’ve decided that the way to plough through this is to Fake It Till I Make It. I think I am going to choose to enjoy feeling good, and try to forget the guilt that is nagging away at the back of my brain. I have, after all, desperately needed and wanted to enjoy life for some time now. Now that I’m starting to, I would really rather not sabotage it.
This is good. I needed something to remind me that recovery from my eating disorder is not only possible, it’s worth it. More importantly, I needed to be able to tell myself that it’s okay to feel good.
Great post. I've been struggling with similar thoughts since I decided to recover. It's been a number one topic during some of my psych appointments - why can't I just let myself indulge in happiness when it's right here? I know now that's because I'm so affraid that if I let myself to feel good (therefore I can describe my usual mood as rather 'neutral')I'm going to eventually fall even harder. But it's time now to come off this protective shell! :)
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate! I don't know why it is that I have such a hard time letting myself be happy, be proud of what I am doing. Thanks for reminding me that it IS okay to feel good :) In fact, it is way more than okay, it is amazing!
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