Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Now Is The Time

Dear Eating Disorder,

We’ve known each other for a long, long time.

You have stood by me when others have walked away.

You have been there to comfort me, to keep me safe.

At times, when I have felt desperate, you have helped me to numb the pain and block out reality.

You have allowed me to control myself when life has seemed unbearable.

You have kept me cocooned, seemingly without having to worry or feel responsible for everyday life.

You have given me what I’ve thought have been easy ways out. Somewhere warm, safe and secure to hide.

I guess some would say you have been my closest ally.

We could go so far as to call us the best of friends.

But as I’m starting to get stronger, my thinking becoming clearing, my heart lighter,

I’m beginning to realise this just isn’t true.

The fact that I have often had problems focusing long enough to be able to write freely is ‘proof’ of that. I also often find I struggle to spell at certain times. I used to be an intelligent young woman.

I still am.

You see, that’s also what you’ve done.

You’ve made me doubt myself.

You’ve turned me against myself and had me believe I’m worth nothing. You’ve kept me in a child-like state with the mirror being my worst enemy. You turned my body into one I hate.

But I’m changing that.

You’ve caused me numerous health problems but luckily it seems none that are not reversible. But if you’ve taken my chance of having children away from me, I swear I will kill you.

I will be a mother one day, and an amazing one too.

You’ve had me trapped in a dark, lonely and utterly overwhelming place for so long. Unable to let anyone in or see a way out. You’ve had me ‘living’ in fear not able to breath at times.

You’ve had me starve my body, my mind and my soul.

You’ve made me feel selfish and alone.

Obsessed over food/scales/numbers/calories when I could have been out helping others/studying/traveling/having fun/Living my life!

You’ve taken such a huge space in my life I’ve left no room for others.

My Doors are opening and there is plenty of room now

You’ve stolen my life and tried to kill me.

If you were a ‘friend’ why would you want me dead? Shit, what did I ever do to you except be loyal and obey?

I’ve always stood by you too remember.

You’ve had me question everything and everyone. I’ve lost love and friendship because of you.

I’ve lost so much time.

I cannot allow you to take anymore.

You see, it’s time to say goodbye now.

You’ve taken my energy but I’m slowly getting it back. Along with my strength and my belief.

Not only in myself but also in others and the world around me.

The thing is, although you have been my one and only constant, you have also been my ruin.

You have taken what was once a beautiful and happy little girl into an exhausted and scared woman.

You have given me a way out but you have also had me trapped within my own fear.

And now is the time to change that.

I will admit, it’s not easy. Saying goodbye never is. Plus you’ve always made sure that our goodbyes would terrify me.

But you know what? Although I’m still nervous and yes, scared at times, the thought of life without you no longer terrifies me.

It excites me.

I deserve so much better than the ‘existence’ you have given me and I know longer feel the need for you in my life.

I need to make room for bigger and better things now.

Now is the time to move on.

Now is the time to make peace with myself.

Now is the time to start loving myself.

Now is the time to become whole again.

Now is the time to live.

I will no longer spend my life being so obsessed about food (which by the way is incredible) that I miss out on the important things in life.

Like love, laughter, family, friendship, freedom, beauty and fun!

Enough is enough. Now is the time.

I could go on writing forever and tell you all of the reasons why I no longer want or need your twisted presence in my life but I have better and more enjoyable things to do now.

You are no longer my focus or priority.

So, in closing, Thank you for the memories,

but now is the time to say goodbye.

I do not need you anymore.


Now Is The Time To Say Goodbye To Your Eating Disorder Too.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

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