Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Recognising & Breaking Recurring Patterns....

Ultimately Choosing Freedom....

We all have patterns that we tend to repeat in our day to day lives.

Some are necessary and needed. Some beneficial and helpful. But some detrimental to our wellbeing.

When it comes to my recovery, there is one pattern I have recognised creeping in time and time again.

And it is definitely one I want to stop repeating.

Let me explain.

You see after leaving you on such a high last week, things for me haven't been so great. I have been really struggling and continually battling with my eating disorder. Old habits have started to reappear, unhealthy behaviours sneaking in.

And this is where the recurring pattern comes in.

It seems that every time I am taking huge leaps and bounds, every time I am really making great progress, my eating disorder jumps right in and try's it's very best to halt me.

To grab me back into it's slimy clutches and pull me deeper into it's dark and isolated pit of despair.

And I'll be honest, it sometimes 'feels' easier, okay and almost 'normal' to me.
And let's face it, it was for such a huge period of my life.

But note the word was.
I no longer choose to believe that this is the way I'm meant to live my life.

I have come such a long way and I have seen what recovery has to offer me. Put that up against what life with an eating disorder does, there is no comparison.

You see, the harder I fight this, the harder my eating disorder does too.

It does not want to see me doing well and moving forward. Moving away from the shadows it once had me in and in to the light of life.

And me actually enjoying food? God Forbid!

The stronger I get, the stronger it does too.

But where as I have an army right behind me, supporting me, cheering me on and ready to catch me if I stumble, it has the very same army ready to see it fall.

It's scared, and it should be!


It really is a process of fall down, get up, repeat.

And repeat as many times as needed.

To keep moving forward, no matter how tiring, difficult or painful it seems at times.

It's a matter of recognising old unhealthy patterns, breaking them and

claiming your recovery

But how do I do it?
What stops me from running back into the arms of my eating disorder?


Choice- I choose to recover and that's not changed.

Belief- If I find I'm struggling to find it myself, I find it within others.

Strength- Emotionally, mentally and embracing it when I feel it physically.

Hard Work- Pushing through all the blood, sweat and tears!

Self Care- Recognising that I am human and I need to treat myself well.

Friends, family & therapists alike- Reminding myself that they are there for me, not against me. And knowing how much they just want to see me healthy again.

Visualisations- I find when I'm really struggling with a certain emotion or to eat a certain meal, I picture a child experiencing the exact same feelings.

Would I want them to go through that?
Also, imagining them eating the food I am about to strangely helps!

Laughter!- And lots of it! It really is the best medicine (along side food :)

My Future- And all that awaits me.

And Ultimately ChoosingLife.


I'm back on track now but if I do stumble I will pick myself up, dust myself off, hold my head high and keep on going.

As I have to continually tell myself, recovery isn't an easy or comfortable journey.

But I am and can do this.
So can you.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx

PS: Apparently my eating disorder also didn't want me to publish this today either. I'd had my post all written up and ready to go at 07:30am and somehow lost it all!

So, after having to pop out, I came back and got straight back on with it!:o)


  1. A stumble means you are on the right path.
    In sickness, there is no stumble, there just is...
    You are fighting the good fight for sure <3

  2. I think you summed it up toward the end by saying recovery is all about choosing life. And it's not just a one time choice -- you have to make that choice every day (and sometimes multiple times a day).

    But it's totally worth it.

  3. You are such an inspiration Hannah :) i feel like I am in this position right now, where I am getting stronger, but so is ED. You are right though, I have WAY more resources than he does!

    Keep up the fight, it is SO worth it I know it has to be!!



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