Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My God, There's A World Out there!

And it’s missing me!

It was a beautiful evening last night and as I walked through the streets with my dogs, I took the time to truly take everything in.

The air felt fresh, the breeze warm on my skin. Everywhere I looked I sensed life and at the same time stillness and calm.

In the distance I could hear children laughing, couples arguing, dinner plates clattering, wine glassed clinking, dogs barking and babies crying.

I could hear life in all its shining glory.

All sounds very mundane I guess? But to me it was glorious yet at the same time painful.

You see, being so consumed with an eating disorder a lot of the time, you tend to miss out on the little things in life.

I’ve lost many a summer’s night, crying over the next meal or walking round and round in circles not knowing which way to turn.

Meanwhile others are enjoying the company of good friends and food, lovers are dancing and children are running around enjoying life (and driving their parents mad!)

But, looking back to this time last summer, I am in a much better space. Back then my whole life was dedicated to skipping the next meal and exercising my body and mind to the point of exhaustion.

This year, although I’m not yet doing all of the things I once enjoyed, I am happier in the knowledge that as I get stronger and healthier, this will all come to me. And I am enjoying more and more each day, making plans and once again starting to experience new things.

I'm beginning to taste the sweet nectar of life and it's delicious.


I said to my therapist today that I’m doing a lot better than I was to which she replied, “That’s not good enough”.

She went on to add, “You don’t want to be just doing better than you were, we want you better.

We want to bring you back to life”

This I found powerful.

Life isn’t going anywhere and there is still so much time ahead of me. Once I am truly free there will be no stopping me, you’ll see ;-)

Time is on my side. Life isn't working against me.

And the same applies to you.

No matter how boring/frustrating/sad/tiring life may seem at the moment, know that it won’t always be that way.

As I often say and firmly believe, only we hold the key to change our current situations and direction in which our live's are headed.

With Time, dedication & support comes healing and ultimately happiness. With lots of fun & laughter!

Whether you are in recovery from an eating disorder or just feel stuck in a rut with your own life at the moment;

Know that ‘this too shall pass’

The world is a big place and it’s waiting for each and everyone of us to embrace it and shine :o)

And many BBQ's to be enjoyed!


The next 6 weeks my life is set to change in major ways, with big leaps and bounds mixed in with quite a bit of discomfort and a lot of emotions as I embark on a new programme with my therapist.

We’re taking my recovery to a whole new level as it needs a boost. Although I've been doing very well, I have been very much stuck in limbo for a while and it's time to move forward.

I’m very nervous (make that terrified) as it means I may be going completely against what my eating disorder has had me believe for so long but I’m doing it because;

I want my life back now please.

With Much Love, Smiles & Support

Hanna xx


  1. I smiled even just at the title of this post! I just knew it was going to be a goodie!!
    Every now and then I have a really good day and I really connect with the world around me - it is wonderful. And it reminds me just what the heck all this recovery business is for.
    Good luck for the next stage of your therapy - it sounds like you are so ready for a new challenge :)

  2. I'll get the Quorn burgers ready for our BBQ then Hanna! :-)

    Yep, this shall definitely pass - and your life will soar to new heights, even better than before.

    Love n' hugs,

    Darius xxx

  3. I believe in you and I believe in your desire for life.
    Sometimes we do stay stuck a while, gain some strength, have some time to process, then, as you say, move forward again.
    I wish you all the best but know I will be here fighting your side and holding your hand xxx


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