Recovering Inspirings

Hi! Im back! Last week just was not OK. Things were not OK and I fell apart.

I had two therapy sessions on consecutive days and both were very challenging. I did not cope well and I went ahead and got incredibly drunk until I puked in a bucket and passed out in my clothes. The issue with this is that I am an alcoholic and therefore 'don't drink'. In the past year I have managed to have a couple of drinks at appropriate events such as weddings and then stop, and so felt like I had reached that point where I could drink in moderation but I guess not. I felt hideous following this. I dont mean the inevitable hangover, I mean psychologically. When I was chronically drunk I felt anxious and guilty the next day and so I would drink more to feel better, but now when I can't drink more, the emotions feel like they are going to kill me. The guilt and anxiety and panic and doom that are only given to me by myself - no one else shunned me - are so dire and desperate that they feel unbearable. I was incredibly down and out for the next week while I recovered physically and more importantly emotionally.

So what happened next? Well the next Saturday I had a wedding after party to attend. I felt exhausted still and not up to it but felt obliged to attend. I went to the shop without thinking and bought a 4 pack of alcoholic drinks. I drunk the first and it perked me up. The idea was that one drink would allow me to be able to see people and talk to them instead of curling up on a couch hiding. The drink would allow me to know how to speak and what to say and to appear like a happy social person, stable, fun, the girl they used to know. We headed off to the party and I had a warm glow surrounding me. I took one drink with me and the idea was that in total I would have two drinks which I decided would be appropriate and not excessive and that I could be in control. At the party I was the girl I wanted to be and drank my drink and then when the glow began to fade I became too uncomfortable to cope. Next thing I have a plastic cup in my hand and am scouting for another drink... At that point I realised that if I found that drink, it would lead to another and another and it would be all over until I woke up on the floor the following morning. What I did next was say my goodbyes and grab my husband and head home at 9 30pm feeling like a loser. I still felt anxious and guilty the next morning for having bailed on the party, but at least I knew when to say enough is enough

The moral of this? I can do it. I slipped up and felt rotten, but I redeemed myself and I am back.

I took this photo on the way to work one morning. I love rainbows!

I love that the date is 7/7/11 when I am writing this. my two favourite numbers :)

I love Nikki Sixx and Sixx AM

"Accidents Can Happen"

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.