Tuesday, June 21, 2011

So that’s what it feels like!

My theory is, when we starve and abuse are bodies we in turn starve and abuse our minds. And when we starve and abuse our minds, we rid ourselves of all emotion & feeling and are left with only a feeling of emptiness.

We can become almost numb.

For a long while this is how I existed and if I’m honest with myself, this was how I wanted it. I didn’t want to feel any of the pain I thought would come. I didn’t believe I would ever feel anything like happiness again so why on earth would I bother?

Okay, depressing start right. Maybe, but it gets better, I promise!

Because I’ve also found that when we once again begin to nourish and take care of ourselves, we start to ‘fill ourselves up’ once more.

And boy is this difficult. All of a sudden you get a rush of emotions you may not have felt in years. Or they can be really sporadic, catching you off guard when you least expect it and sometimes in the most ‘inappropriate’ of places.

And oh so very random!

Right now for example, as I sit here writing this I’m feeling a little anxious, saddened yet optimistic. I’m also feeling very tired but having been up since 6am, this is to be expected.

But that being said, exhaustion is another ‘feeling’ I’m experiencing a lot of recently. Fact is, recovery is hard and it is exhausting. But before I wasn’t ‘allowing’ myself to just stop for a minute. I was running on autopilot whilst running on empty. Now that I’m finally starting to listen to my body and give it what it needs, it’s so very grateful yet oh so tired.

But that’s okay. I can deal with that.

And what follows tiredness and hard work is irritability and often sadness.

No fun for those around me or myself!


So, the emotional gates have started to open once more and this is where extra support is needed. It’s all very well (and positive) to be feeling again but you cannot deal with it all alone. Luckily I have found a new therapist who specialises in eating disorders and all the ups and downs, feelings, frustrations and emotions that come with them.

It’s going to be intense and it’s going to be difficult to finally feel and deal with those again but it’s going to be worth it.

But of course not all of what I’m feeling again is negative.

Far from it.

The past few weeks I have been taking giant steps in my recovery and with that comes feeling of great triumph, hope, optimism and yes, happiness.

The more I move forward, the more I challenge myself and defy my eating disorder, the stronger I become.

I am also working with a nutritional therapist who is helping me to regain a healthy body through nutritious foods, advice, guidance and reassurance. Very challenging but also very needed. And I’m actually really enjoying a lot of varied foods once more!


So I leave you this week with a feeling of great pride in that I’m once again able to feel what I need to feel. And do what I need to do.

Allow myself to feel & heal.

And of course, as always, a feeling of great love for you.

With much Love, smiles & support

Hanna xx

Allow yourself to feel but always keep yourself safe. Seek the support you need and never push yourself harder than you feel

And remember it's okay to cry too!


  1. This is an amazing post, and very timely for me - last night I went for a run (not the kind of run I'd go on when I was in the depths of ED; a chilled, not pushing myself too hard run) and stopped halfway, sat on a bench in the pouring rain and properly cried for the first time in months.
    It was amazing, and I felt so reconnected to God (through the loss of my emotions I'd been feeling a lack of intimacy with him) and could worship properly again...

    Sending love, keep going Hanna - you're an inspiration to me :). We'll get there xxx

  2. Hanna please please make use of all the support you can get at this time and embrace it. kia kaha

  3. I am SO incredibly proud of you Hannah :D You are doing amazing, and I absolutely love that! Emotions are tough when you haven't felt them in so long, but you are learning, and I am learning, and I know we will get there!



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