i think as a reward ill have a glass of wine
i know they say im an alcoholic. the dr told me i could die from it, but my liver hasnt failed yet, so thats ok i can carry on
and anyway im not drunk all the time. i only drink first thing in the morning and last thing at night. it helps me sleep ya know
a couple of people at work noticed my eyes were red and my balance is a bit off. but that could be anything. they really should mind their own business. its not like im hurting anyone else. i drive just fine after a few drinks so i dont care what people say, its not dangerous
im meant to get a blood test this afternoon. i dont think i need it though, the dr doesnt know what he is talking about. im not sick enough. ive only had a couple this morning so im not that drunk yet. i might throw in some vodka shots too, thats not much
im meant to be cutting back but you know its hard. life is so hard when im sober and im looking after the kids this evening. i definitly need to have a few more drinks before that. they really tire me out. i think i hide it from them well though i put my wine in dark bottles so they think its soft drink. sometimes i fall asleep when i have them and they wake me up to play but i get too tired. once they were a bit scared cos i wouldnt wake up. i dont know if they know how to call the emergency number. doesnt matter though it wouldnt get that bad
its ok though as long as i just have wine and vodka. thats not bad like absinthe and tequila and its not like im really sick. i dont look like those drunks on the street. i still have a house and i havent been arrested or sectioned for it. i dont steal or do other drugs so really its not a problem
i just need to drink ya know. and its not like im hurting anyone else. hubby makes sure i get to bed each night and that im alive each morning. he has only missed work a few times lately to take me to the hospital. he helps me when i make a mess of myself and when i run out of money. it costs a lot to drink ya know
i really rely on my hubby ya know. my friends didnt want to know me anymore. thats ok, they didnt want to drink all the time and i did so i had to cut myself off from them. its better this way, they cant stop me. some of them were getting worried and even talked to my mum!!! i dont know why. ive never crashed the car or anything and my liver isnt failing and im not blind yet
i dont lose my memory all the time. i have a couple of days a week that i remain conscious. ive never blacked out for more than 17 hours and ive only woken up in hospital a few times. anyway other people are way worse, they end up living on the street and lose their jobs and have seizures every day. i dont get seizures very often so that means im fine. its a waste of time going to the dr because im not sick like other people so i wont bother until i get like that
oops now ive had another glass. ah well i may as well have more now and start over tomorrow! its ok though cos i know what im doing and its fine. im fine. i dont know why people worry. its normal to drink every day, and anyway i made it 12 hours so i can do that again any time
obviously im not serious
but do you get the point?
none of what i wrote is ok or fine or normal... so why do we do that with our ED? justify it and normalise it and try to be the sickest?
i wrote this and posted it in August last year on a recovery site i help moderate. it was in a time of fearing for others lives. again i feel like we are losing some people. anyway this post was very popular on the site, perhaps the shock factor - people know i have a history of alcoholism, but also that it drives home the reality... how is our ED behaviour and justification any different to what i wrote about?
i hope it is ok that i reposted it here
and on a brighter note, wasnt princess Kate and the whole wedding beautiful???
i went to a combined birthday party that night, and it was a dressup, royal wedding theme! so here are a phew photos of me and some friends... see? recovery didnt make me fat!!! i do still suffer big time with body image issues... i look at these photos and pick them apart... my arms dont look toned like i want etc etc, but then on the flipside i am healthy, i am working now part time, my graduation is this month, my second wedding anniversary was this year, im moving to the beach next week and i have the most amazing friends... people tell me i still look slim and pretty and things like that. i hope one day i can see myself without that darn ED distortion!!!