So I am aware that I dont always post deep and meaningful posts and often post photos and light hearted stuff and I hope that is OK. I guess I am in a place in my recovery where I am appreciating the beauty around me and am less focused on the hows and whys like I used to be. Once I could sit and write for hours about the meanings behind everything... been there done that. In treatment I would write all day and fill books with thoughts and ideas and rambles and stories. I dont think I have lost my ability to write well, I always did well in my uni papers however these days I spend more time above the surface than below.
There are a couple of things though. One is that I quit weighing myself. Well I quit for a week and then weighed myself, but once in a week is a huge improvement on three times a day. I have quit in the past... there is this youtube video of myself and an old friend smashing my scales with a hammer... but it never lasted - i always just bought more the next day
other times I have tried to just abstain but have always given in. What made it stick this time? I actually became bored by it. Weighing myself was boring. The number was boring. The number never moved and that got boring. Now that I have been weight restored since about December 08, and have been at my set point almost that long, the number really has not budged outside a range of a couple of kg. While I still panic inside about a gain of even 100 grams, I know that my weight, everyones weight sits in a range rather than a specific number. So my weight sits within a couple of kg and fluctuates within that, like it should do, but it never actually changes. I always wish it would go down (ED thought - irrational) and fear it will go up but it stays at my set point. This is now boring and I cant be bothered, so I stopped. I hope I can stick to once a week now max and then even less than that as time goes on.
My second point is about set point. I believe, and my treatment providers believe that I am at my bodies set point weight range. My weight is where it should be. My body is at the point it should be to be healthy and to function best. I refused to believe it for a long time of course and was certain that if I ate more or differently then it would leap up and up and up. This time last year my husband and I went to the UK and Europe for two months for our honeymoon. I was so panicked about how would I weigh myself! I actually considered packing a set of scales to take! I was so scared of weighing myself in shops etc because I wouldnt know if they were the same as my scales and so I had to just not do it for the first 6 weeks we were away. Wow that was anxiety provoking but I had no choice! In France I ate crepes and nutella and cheese and in Italy I ate pizza and pasta and more cheese. Yup. I was so panicked and was certain I could see myself expanding. Yes I had a few meltdowns and folks back home and in cyber space helped me rationalise that I couldnt have actually gained as much weight as I was certain I could based on my skewed visions in the mirrors. We went to Germany last and stayed with a friend who had a scale and I gave in. Guess what... 6 weeks of eating different food to what I have rigidly stuck to at home... 6 weeks of being on the other side of the world and having an amazing adventure, and my weight had stayed the same, within some mere 800 grams of what it was when I left. The same weight range that it is a year later in fact. To me this was proof of the set point theory. I had treated my body right for enough time - years - weight restoring and then continuing to fuel it that it had finally learned to trust me, and I could trust that it would do the right thing with food. That was an amazing realisation!
So that ended up a little long, but those thoughts were on my mind.
I also wanted to share a few of my favourite things right now. These are pieces of art that are meaningful to me.
I discovered this view the other day, on my way home from work, at the top of the Paekakariki Hill Road. The road is notorious for accidents and it 13km of twists and turns and it is scary but I went up there and it was breath taking.
This painting was done by one of the clients where I work. I work in a mental health day programme and art studio. This woman paints these amazingly beautiful houses using all kinds of paints and chalks and everything. I bought this one from the most recent exhibition at work
I made this clay model of my cat Detective Squeaky who died in November 2010 (check out these to learn why he was ranked Detective and became famous, http://detectivesqueaky.co.nz/ and http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/4463371/Crime-fighting-cat-hit-by-car ) It was my first attempt at clay work (we have a pottery studio and kiln at work) and I gave him wings because he is flying around us now having fun... and we always thought he was secretly a dragon!
I had my uni graduation today for my Bachelor of Social Work (Honours). One lady couldnt make it so she sent us this doll she made to represent her... she made it using her course notes as paper mache!
Love to all, enjoy the weekend!!!