Thursday, March 31, 2011

the importance of proper renovation

Ashley is doing some major things in the Big Apple at the moment -- giving a  presentation about research she and one of her professors conducted. I hope she's doing well and enjoying herself.

In the meanwhile, I bring you another blip from Kat ;)

This one is less thought out, I will admit, more from the heart.... Anyways, today I wound up bringing Candy Land to my therapy session... yes, Candy Land.

Before you get excited, or bored... no, this post is not about Candyland, though it was fun playing it again (for the record I won both games - hahaha), but about how one feels after leaving some sessions.

I'm not going to get into what Laura and I discussed as that's between her and myself, however, after Candyland it was slightly depressing in a very informative way and something about it made me feel unsettled inside... I left wanting to cancel my appointment for the following week, or two... or three.

Now, I want to be clear that this was not a "Laura" issue. Rather this was a "me" issue. Nothing that happened should have truly made me feel this way... but something did. I think a lot of people who have went through therapy have probably had sessions like this one was.

Something made me entirely uncomfortable - the prospect of delving into territory that I don't delve into. Clinging to some scrap of a painted past.

I got the pleasure of visiting the Ohio State Reformatory once for a photo shoot... it was a paid trip that I took full advantage of because, for those that don't know... it's where the Shawshank Redemption was filmed and I adore that movie (Morgan Freeman, eh?). 

The prison was in disarray when they filmed - so they went through and made everything look pretty, slapping up paint (just covering all the issues), painting the walls, the cell blocks, etc... but you know what it looked like by the time I got there?

I'll show you some pics:

It didn't matter that they had painted and wallpapered over the grime and history... Creating a beautiful facade for the film... I visited in March 2010 - 14 years after the movie came out (probably 15-16 after they began filming) and that facade was crumbling apart. Paint peeling from the ceilings and bars on the cells. Patches of wallpaper missing. Grime and dirt. Disarray. Showing not only what was being hidden but also that the process of hiding can create even more damage.

I think it is an attempt to keep what is left of the facade that left me wanting to "leave" Laura behind... though only for a couple or so weeks...  

the process of tearing it down is a frightening one as I'm not even sure what will remain if I continue hacking away (though she does do it more gently than I just made that sound)...There's fear that I will feel hollow and empty inside and that my trust issues will worsen. And... to be honest? they may for a little while. But there is no true alternative.. You cannot live life painting over the bad parts.

That facade will eventually start to crumble - for me... it already is in a way... I think that's why I'm having some of the issues I currently am... I think you cannot start the process and fail to finish it, it will find a way too complete itself.

If the renovations at Shawshank had been done properly - by dealing with the issues underneath instead of just covering the surface, it probably would have looked much different when I visited around this time last year. Some things are worth the time and care. am worth that time and care and you are too.

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