Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Anger, Pain, Passion....

And extremely mixed up dreams….

Oh the joy of feelings and emotions!! And boy, I am feeling a lot right now! 

Some very positive; Passion, excitement, happiness and some not so; Anger, sadness and pain.

But you know what? I’m feeling! And that in itself feels great!

You see for so long I was numb and cold. I couldn’t feel anything except the hunger in my stomach and the bitterness in my throat.

At times I wanted to but it all just felt like too much. It was as though I couldn’t handle what us as human beings go through so instead would turn to my eating disorder as a way of escape.

But as I’m coming more into life, and into my body, I’m finally starting to ‘thaw out’ and open the floodgates to emotions locked away for far too long.

The anger I feel is very much directed at my eating disorder.

The sadness I feel is over time, love and life lost 
and the pain from suddenly being so aware of all this.

But at last, the anger is toward my eating disorder and not myself or those I love. 

Yes I’ve lost a lot of time through being ill but I still have so much time ahead of me. 

Love may have been lost too but I’m opening myself up to so much more now.

 Starting with love for myself. 

And yes, it’s painful to become aware of all this but it’s a drive to keep going too... 

There is no way around, only through.

I’ve also been having some extremely mixed up dreams, full of the past, present and future. They have been very vivid and incredibly strong. But I’m actually happy to be dreaming again! My nights have been void of dreams for so long and if there have been any, they would normally be food/anxiety related. 

These ones are bold and beautiful!


When you are open, so is life and all its opportunities.

Feel all you need to feel. 

Allow yourself to experience all that comes with recovery, with coming back 
to life!

With much Love, Smiles & Support,

Hanna xx


  1. I wish I could express the chills I got reading this. I have had almost every WORD of those feelings this week. Angry at the ED for taking so many years, so many relationships, so many smiles…. and learning how to feel again…. learning how to express my emotions like a Kindergarten student, learning how to appropriately deal with the emotions as they come. I have been pained by past memories and also dreaming VERY vivid dreams about years ago, life before the ED, horrific moments with the ED, and yet also very good dreams that I feel tell into my future. I just realized a couple of weeks ago how much I was dreaming again and I knew that it had to be because I was SLEEPING WELL for the first time in years. I, too, find it difficult to not dwell int eh anger of years lost and the frustrations of today, but rather to be grateful that recovery was offered to me at such a young age… I have my whole life ahead of me and that is just more fuel for me to not allow anything else to take away the years, moments, breaths…. Thank you for your words Hanna, I really needed to know that these were positive steps this morning :) Love and strength to you!

  2. You are so right; you're entire life is ahead of you! You probably have no idea of the wonderful, special things that have yet to happen in your life, and ED is so not invited to join. This was a beautiful post...thank you!


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