The plunge

"im not sick enough..." "i dont deserve help..."

have you ever said these words? they are words i have heard from perhaps every person i know with an eating disorder... myself included...

but what does it really mean??? i used to not only argue that i was not sick, surely, i had never been put in a hospital with tube feeds... i wasnt emaciated, i didnt look like the other girls... but i also used to use it against myself to fuel my quest. i would compare myself to others in the day programme i was attending. i was jealous of how thin they might have been, or that they were really sick, having been in hospital, having been really close to death, they were really the ill ones not me, therefore i should carry on with the disordered behaviour.

Although I was diagnosed with anorexia, I never lost my period and therefore never 'met the DSM criteria' – which my disorder twisted into meaning I was 'never good enough'. This bothered me for a long time and there was a time not too long ago where I considered 'trying harder' as if to prove some point, to go back downhill so I could check off that box. My therapist asked me 'why would you want to go there again? why would you want to do something you already did? you already had anorexia'

yep. I look at that through healthier eyes and think now that is crazy talk. Not having lost my period doesnt mean I wasnt sick... it just means that my body responded differently to some other peoples. And you know what? I am thankful now for that. My body speaks loud and clear to me now whenever I slip up, too loud to ignore and for the first time in my life I listen to it, I hear it and I respond to it. Feeling hungry means eat, not try harder at restricting. Feeling exhausted means rest, not try harder at exercising. My body has learnt to trust me now, and I am learning to trust it. Im not there completely, but im willing and actively trying and that is good progress.

A major part of this process is giving up the jealousy and the competition. Those twinges I get when I see someone who is thinner than me, or more toned than me, or more whatever my mind is jealous of than me still plague me. Those rose tinted glasses that tease me telling me that it wasnt all hideous, they still find their way out. That drive to do more, do better, do the extreme still infiltrates every area of my life. The hope that somehow ill wake up and weigh less, that even though I eat well and am at my set point ill somehow lose weight, that is a daily affair. These are the things I need to let go of. Physically I am healthy and well and I no longer act on my disordered thoughts and I have given up virtually all of my disordered behaviour. The plunge I need to take now is in letting go of the mental aspects of my disorder

there are so many metaphorical shackles and chains in my past, but my future is unwritten... why on earth would I want to sabotage that. I used to be afraid of the future... afraid of failing, afraid that the future would continue to be just as hard as life had been thus far, but now I look at things far more optimistically and with an open mind. Maybe the future will be awesome, maybe it will be awful, but I cant find out if I dont take the plunge to get well...

it is time to hold my breath and jump. who knows, maybe i will fly free? if not, at least i can swim and try again...

xoxo serra